How to live with a software developer

4 and a half years ago I got to marry my best friend.  We met aged 7, spent most of our school years apart, and then re-met just before we went to separate universities.  We married 2 weeks after he graduated, and moved to Surrey to start our life of wedded bliss.  And it is blissful.  I can’t begin to express how lucky I am to have married him.  He’s loyal, loving, kind, interesting, tall (very important when you’re my height!), fun to be around, etc. etc.  But there is something I have to tell you about my husband: he’s an engineer, a software developer, a technical genius.

If any of my readers are married to someone like this, I think what you’re about to read will be very familiar.  Over the last few years, I have begun to learn how to live with a man of this particular breed.  I have started to understand that some things come as standard with this particular package, and can’t really be changed.  But why would you want to?

Firstly, there is the level of focus.  Anyone who can spend hours ploughing through lines of code to find the tiny error hidden within it, or sift through minute details in order to get that little step closer to perfection, has an ability to focus that I didn’t really know existed.  That ability to focus comes with an ability to block out everything else.  And I mean everything.  When my husband is focused on his code (or his computer game), nothing else is going to get through.  He does however have a slightly disconcerting ability to respond to me when I try to speak to him without actually processing what I’ve said.  I can ask a question, and he’ll give me an answer, then 5 minutes later he’ll ask what I said.  I catch him out from time to time, which is always fun…

Secondly, there is the perseverance.  Tasks are not completed until they are done perfectly, and they are almost never done at a convenient time.  Descaling the coffee machine involves getting the hoover out, and is usually done at the same time as me trying to make his breakfast (descaling a coffee machine takes considerably longer than making a piece of toast).  Fixing my computer involves hours of working out its current state of neglect and improving every possible aspect of it, even if all I needed was to be able to print a document quickly.  Even helping me to set up the blog wasn’t a simple task.  There was a lot of time put into working out the best way to ensure it had an SSL certificate…

Then there are the over-the-top solutions.  My laptop started overheating frequently, and rather than simply helping me to pick a new one, he bought endless “essential” computer parts from Amazon and built me a computer from scratch (it’s the best computer in the world by the way!).  Our garage started to look a bit messy, so he bought a ridiculous number of hooks and now most things in our garage don’t touch the floor.  I kept forgetting to put the sound back on my phone when I woke up in the morning – he set up do not disturb schedules that automatically tell my phone what sound setting I want.  The raspberry pi runs the TV in our bedroom; the sound system can connect to his phone (and probably mine if I knew how to use it).  He gets emails whenever we have a power-cut, via his uninterruptable power supply.  One of our friends finds it hilarious that we have separate bowls for every possible requirement: pasta bowls, dessert bowls, soup bowls, noodle bowls, etc.  Whatever we need to do, it’s likely there will be a gadget (or an app) for it in our house.  Quick fixes are not allowed and only the right solution will do!

My software developer likes routine, order, perfection.  He likes things to work optimally, efficiently, as they should.  Just as his code will have rules that ensure things work as required, so we have our “rules” at home that mean things work as they should.  We always have spare toilet paper in the bathroom (if you put the last spare roll on the holder, then you have to fetch 2 spare rolls from the airing cupboard).  We have a shopping list on our phones through Google Keep and whenever we open the last item of any household product, food or drink, we put it on the list (apparently that’s called a Kanban system).  If we have a shower or bath, we have to ensure the hot water is switched on so that there is always hot water in the tank for the next person who needs it.  If we call the other one once, it’s OK to ignore it.  If we call a second time straight away, it means there is an emergency and we have to pick up.  We don’t let the other one nap for more than an hour, and no naps after 6pm.  We’ve agreed no hints, and he’s as truthful and genuine (i.e. blunt and tactless) as they come.  These are just a few examples, but they give a flavour of the type of “rules” we’ve set.  It might seem prescriptive or over the top, but it really works!  And it maintains a level of order that allows him to feel relaxed.  Which allows him to do good work.  Which keeps him happy (and pays the bills).  So all in all, a pretty good solution.

For anyone who is lucky enough to have captured the heart of a software developer, here are my top tips:

1. Allow him his computer games, his coding projects and any other projects he wants to focus on endlessly. They relax him and allow him to use his brain in the way it was designed.  Make sure he is fed and watered, and be there for him when he takes a break.
2. Praise his hard work. You might be some way past fed up with how long the solution is taking, but he is making it perfect for you (because he thinks you deserve perfect).
3. Go with the rules and the over-the-top solutions – they make living together a very harmonious experience.
4. Make him socialise, but not all the time. He probably likes being around other people, but doesn’t want to organise it himself, and usually needs a get-out clause just in case.
5. If you care about what he wears, or how his hair looks, sort it for him. He probably doesn’t like choosing his clothes, and you probably care more what he wears, so just do it for him.
6. Rely on him – he will love being able to make things better for you, because he loves it when you are happy.

I love my husband, and I love that he’s a software developer.  I love his nerdy brain that finds solutions everywhere he looks (whether or not there is a problem).  I’m sure my girls’ school education shouldn’t allow me to say this, but I love being his support act.  He does amazing work and it is pretty amazing being the person that allows him to do that through meeting all his other needs.