2016 was the year two of my favourite girls got married (not to each other). On 2nd April and 9th July I had the very great honour of being a bridesmaid. The two days had their similarities (same church, same reception venue, similar vast quantity of tears shed by me), but because they were two very different couples, they also had lots of differences and were wonderfully unique days. Getting to experience a wedding as a bridesmaid is an amazing experience – you are right there, in the heart of the wedding, getting to share in the bride’s emotions at almost every point in the day. And while I’ve only been a bridesmaid twice (and of course experienced having four perfect bridesmaids), I think I’ve picked up a few things along the way about how to be a bridesmaid…
It’s not about you
This might be the most important piece of advice I could give to a bridesmaid. It’s an odd combination of being on centre-stage while also being in the wings. You’re visible and you’ve got an essential role. You’ve spent a long time on your appearance and you’re proudly wearing your “uniform”, the dress your bride has selected for you. You’ve been waiting for this day for a long time and you are beyond excited. But you won’t be in every photo. You might need to kick off your shoes and run around the venue to find the great aunt who is desperately needed for the next photo. You need the loo? It can wait – the bride needs help with her dress. From the time you turn up at the wedding rehearsal until the venue is tidied up two days later, you must put your own needs to one side and focus on your bride. And you know what – it’s the easiest thing in the world. By the time you’ve spent months sharing her excitement, you are so keen to make sure she is happy and that the day goes as she hopes, that you forget about your own needs. I don’t think I’ve ever gone so long without using the loo than when I’ve been a bridesmaid, as I just wasn’t thinking about me!!
Be self-sufficient
This one is pretty crucial too, and links fairly closely to my previous piece of advice. Your bride doesn’t need to be thinking about your needs on the day (although she probably will be). She is about to host an event for a lot of people, which she has spent months organising, so don’t add to her worries. Find your own blister plasters, check your own VPL and get someone to carry your things so that you can fill your tiny clutch bag with anything the bride might need. Quietly sort out what you need and then enjoying focusing on her joy.
Notice the personal touches
When you’re planning a wedding, after the first few months it can feel like all the big tasks are done. That’s when it’s time to turn to the little tasks, such as personal touches. Often they are the most fun (my husband and I spent two days printing our table plan on doilies – so much time spent creating odd little cradles to allow the doilies to make it through the printer… I’m not sure he’d say it was fun actually…). Some of those personal touches are especially for you, as bridesmaid. So notice them, thank your bride for them, and if they are for you to wear on the day, wear them with pride.
Know how to handle The Dress
Both brides had a lace-up back to their dresses, which was what I’d had as well. At the first wedding, I wasn’t on lacing-up duty, but watched carefully in case help was needed later in the day. At the second wedding, our timings were very slightly off and so the bride’s mother had to go to the church before the dress was laced up. What a relief to realise I knew how to lace up a wedding dress! And equally, what a relief to be able to work out how to sort the bustle (i.e. hook up the really long bit so it doesn’t get in the way, for those of you who aren’t wedding dress experts) once it was time to start dancing. There’s a lot of pressure with a wedding dress – a lot of money is spent on something that won’t be worn for all that long, and so we all want it to be perfect. Calmly sorting what needs sorting is the best way to be useful.
It’s OK to cry
When choosing your make-up, the most important thing is a good waterproof mascara. I cried, a lot, at both weddings. Walking down the aisle was hard enough, but when hearing the emotion in the groom’s voice as he said his vows, or listening to the mother of the bride’s heart-breakingly beautiful poem, watching the first dance or hearing the speeches, and at countless other wonderful moments throughout the day, I couldn’t stop the tears. And that is more than OK. I remember turning round after we’d practised the vows for our own wedding, and seeing my sister sitting there, weeping. It is really special to know that someone loves you so much, that seeing you happy makes them cry with happiness.
So if you’re going to be a bridesmaid any time soon, I hope you find my advice useful. And if ever you’re not sure what to do, follow these simple top tips:
- Do ANY task
- Know when to step back
- Talk to the guests and don’t monopolise the bride or groom
- Don’t presume you know what’s needed, but when you see a task that needs doing, do it
- If your feet hurt, get over it
- Don’t hide your emotion
And very importantly, remember that your role doesn’t end when the wedding does. Settling into married life after the wedding is wonderful, but after focusing on one day for so long, it is hard to accept that your wedding is now over. As bridesmaid, help your bride to remember the day fondly, to get excited about the little details, to pore over photos and re-live moments and to feel like the most beautiful, special and loved person in the world again, just like she did on her wedding day.