For the most part, I’m enjoying my 2nd trimester. I mean, I’m too hot, finding a comfortable sleeping position is just starting to get difficult and I’m beginning to discover that I can’t do quite as much as I think I can. But then our little boy kicks me and I’m overwhelmed by the love I feel for him, or I catch sight of my growing bump and can’t stop a smile at the thought of him.
Time is starting to get swallowed up by the preparations we need to make, which to start with means working on the house. Time for blogging has been replaced over the past few weeks by time for painting the nursery, and therefore relocating my husband’s study to the sitting room. We’re getting a (very, very) gentle introduction to the fact that everything will change in a few months.
And one of those changes is that we are going to have to give up some of our existing commitments. I think that’s what I’m struggling with most at the moment. I’ve had to send emails out to people who are already busy and desperate for volunteers to say that I won’t be able to do many of the things I currently do. Once our little bundle of joy and chaos arrives I won’t be able to sit quietly at the back of church running the laptop, or lead the worship band. It won’t be feasible to lead a Sunday school group with a baby in tow, and a screaming child won’t create the best atmosphere for hosting house group.
We know that for a little while we have to take a step back, with the intention that before too long we’ll be working out our new routines and starting to commit again, possibly in different areas. But for the moment it feels like letting people down, and not pulling our weight.
This has been really challenging me. I took pride I think in the ways in which I could get involved, and I thoroughly enjoy doing them! I think I’ve let it become part of my sense of self-worth, or how I know that I am valuable. I’ve let myself be a bit arrogant perhaps, thinking that it has to be me that does those things and things could fall apart without me… And I’ve worried about how God will use me. Will He still have a plan for me?
Some of my morning devotional reading and our house group sessions recently have really helped. They’ve reminded me that God has it all in hand. I might have mentioned this before, but a very wise friend once told me that God is too big and too powerful for a small action of mine to derail His plans. So I’m having to learn 2 important lessons I think:
- Yes, I am useful in the ways I help out at church, but God will have it all in hand. I have to trust Him to replace me, or to show us a different solution, when I stop some of my commitments. Whether He puts those tasks on someone else’s heart, or does something unexpected, things won’t break just because I’m having to take a step back. I have to learn to get over myself, and trust my God!
- I still have a part to play in God’s plan, and in our church. I don’t have any idea of what God has in store for me, but He’s not going to drop me at this point. I’ll keep my eyes and ears open and work on staying obedient to God so that when He nudges me in a particular direction, I notice and get stuck in.
We all go through times of change in our lives when we have to give up some things. I think we all need to accept these changes with as little regret as possible and instead get a little bit excited about what God has planned for us next. God doesn’t need us to be superwomen or supermen, taking on more and more and never needing to create some space for new things, but instead He needs us simply to be obedient to Him. As my devotional told me, God wants our persistence – he doesn’t expect our perfection.