Do you like to be in control? I do. Don’t get me wrong, I love surprises (as long as I don’t know they’re coming) but I also like to know what to expect from my day and I like to have plenty of say in what happens during it. I like to be able to do something about the things that worry me. I’m definitely not the sort of person who can put worries to one side just because there’s absolutely nothing I can do at that point in time to influence them. My husband finds that bizarre. He’s the opposite – if he can’t change something at a given moment, then he simply puts it out of his mind until he can change it.
At the moment we are trying (and completely failing) to sell our house. It’s been 4 months now of estate agents, conveyancers, lawyers and trying to keep a house tidy while a toddler rampages around it. A toddler who loves to tidy up, except when he senses there is a viewing about to happen, at which point he likes to get all the toys out, empty the drawers and spread his food liberally about the house. We were so nearly there with the house, when our buyers pulled out and our estate agents went bust. So we went back to the start and are once again trying to keep the house in a respectable state and praying that one of the viewings becomes an offer before long.
The problem is, there is very little we can do about it. You wait for the call to say someone wants to view the house, and then spend your free time cleaning and tidying, only for the viewing to be cancelled last minute or for the estate agent to call back with bland feedback that never amounts to an offer or even closure that the potential buyers aren’t interested. And since I like to be in control, or at least to be able to do something about it, I find it so frustrating!
I think this is probably slightly exacerbated by the fact that life with a toddler is an absolute masterclass in giving up control. When your day is almost entirely focused on someone who changes their mind at a moment’s notice without any rhyme or reason, you have to start to give up on that dream of control. Plan an early nap because toddler is tired and needs a longer nap than usual? Toddler decides half an hour will do. Plan their favourite food for dinner? Toddler decides this food is now disgusting. Plan a trip to the park to tire them out? Toddler decides to cling to Mummy and refuses to walk, let alone actually play at the park. Think toddler is having a clingy day so plan a day at home chilling together? Toddler repeatedly tries to put shoes on and go out for a walk. Essentially, plans are never concrete, don’t expect your toddler to enjoy even the best day you can plan for them, and learn to accept that you might be in charge, but you’re not in control!
I think most of us have areas in our lives where control is really lacking. For me, right now, it’s the house and the child. For many it is work, medical issues, relationships, etc, etc… I’ve been trying to work out what to do about it. How do I take back control? Well, as you might have guessed from the title of this blog post, I think the answer is that I don’t. I think somewhere along the line I have to accept that control isn’t something I have a right to, and isn’t something I’m always going to be able to grab back. Control will be present in some areas of my life, and not in others. And actually, even when I do have control over an area of my life, it almost certainly won’t last. Life has a nasty habit of pulling the rug out from under your feet just when you’re feeling most secure and in control.
Instead, I have to find a way to be OK with giving it up. I have to relish the experiences that turn out well, cope with (and hopefully learn from) those that don’t, and just get better at handing the rest over to God. I’m definitely getting better at doing that with my little one. I don’t expect too much from our days and take joy from small moments. Plus I’ve stopped trying to cram loads into each day, and I’ve accepted that sometimes it’s OK for him to be bored – that’s what gives him a chance to be creative and teach himself something new anyway.
And with the house, I’m trying (and so far failing mostly) to give that over to God. I need to learn from my husband who thinks if we can’t do anything about it, if it is in the hands of the estate agents at the moment, then let’s stop worrying and it’ll sell when it sells. There’s a lovely, and very popular, verse in Philippians (4:6-7). It says:
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
That’s tough to do sometimes. We’re not just supposed to give our worries to God, but we’re asked not to let ourselves feel anxious about them, and to give thanks at the same time. The promised reward is clearly worth it of course. God’s peace is impossible to beat! It’s something almost tangible that we can breathe in, like the stunning beauty of an incredible landscape, or a moment of happiness with a loved one. I find this verse helpful however, not just in its message, but also in giving me a little context. Paul wrote this while in prison. That’s the worry we could be talking about. Instead my worries, my moments of no control, are about selling my very lovely house in a glorious corner of Surrey in order to buy an even more lovely house in the same glorious corner of Surrey. Or about whether or not my perfect miracle of a son is going to get enough sleep that day. This verse is a timely reminder to step back and recognise the good in my life, rather than fretting about the bits I can’t control.
So I’m going to stop writing now and attempt to practise what I preach. I’m going to spend a little time thanking God that while I’m not in control, He’s got a plan and has it covered, so I don’t need to worry. And if I’m completely honest I’ll probably have a bit of a moan about the house and then ask him to sort it.
But before I go, I’ll leave you with one other verse, a promise of what God will do for us when we are feeling anxious, from Psalm 94:19:
When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.