You’re doing really well

Today I went to a baby massage class with my little one – it was great to start to learn about doing baby massage, but also great to chat to the other mums and the midwife after the class.  The midwife asked us what we’d found difficult or surprising as new mums, and we all opened up a bit.  It brought home to me just how much being a mum defies expectations, and also how we are each our own worst critic.  At the end of the class, the midwife asked each of us to spend 10 minutes each day doing something for ourselves, if we can.  And since it’s been ages since I last wrote a blog post, and for the moment at least my baby is asleep, I thought I’d attempt to do some writing, while thinking back on all that I’ve learnt over the past 4 months. 

Firstly, I’ve learnt that I am normal.  I hadn’t realised this about myself before, but I have a bit of an approach of “that won’t happen to me”.  I hear about people’s struggles, and I feel for them, while at the same time assuming that I’ll get away without that particular challenge.  My son and I have certainly navigated our fair share of challenges!  Breastfeeding took 12 weeks to feel comfortable – it was not the “most natural thing in the world for us” – 2 tongue tie cuts, 2 bouts of mastitis and an awful lot of perseverance and support, and we finally got there.  Sleep hasn’t been all that straightforward either, and wow did the 4 month sleep regression really hit us.  My relatively easy-going son who had previously been happy to nap in his own bed, suddenly decided that he would only sleep for 45 minutes at a time, and that he did not want to be put down.  4 weeks after it started, he remembered how to sleep again, and it finally feels like we might be back on track.  We’ve worked our way through numerous little and big struggles and I’ve learnt that I’m just like every other mum out there!

I’ve learnt that there isn’t just one way to do anything.  At baby groups I’ve met mums who do things in all sorts of different ways, and I’ve realised that we all just have to do what works for us – me and my son.  My little one doesn’t much like the company of other people just yet, so I don’t go out to all that many groups.  And that works for us.  He doesn’t want several 2 hour naps during the day, so I don’t force it, and that works for us too.  He feeds using nipple shields because without them he won’t latch, and that also works for us.  Our way wouldn’t work for everyone else, but that doesn’t make it right or wrong.  And actually, what works for us one day then doesn’t work the next!  I can just about get the hang of something, when my son’s needs change and I have to figure it out all over again.

I’ve learnt that spending a little less time on social media can be good for my sanity – hearing about someone else’s experience as super-mum probably isn’t going to do me any good, because all it will really do is make me criticise myself, and I am quite good enough at that already!  Knowing that someone else made it to the gym at 6 weeks postpartum while 4 months on I’ve not managed to put my trainers on yet isn’t really going to help me in any way…  Hearing that someone’s baby has slept through the night won’t magically give me a good night’s sleep.  Instead I love my mummies WhatsApp group, where we share our struggles and ask for prayer (and send photos of really big glasses of wine).

And lastly, I’ve learnt that love powers the body and mind more than anything else.  It’s a truth I keep coming back to.  I can spend the night awake with a baby who won’t go to sleep, sit awkwardly in a café trying to feed my little one discreetly while he pulls off time and time again because someone walked into his field of vision briefly or feel thoroughly fed up when he won’t stop crying for no apparent reason, but as soon as he smiles at me, or even if he doesn’t, I get that flood of overwhelming love and I can’t help but feel energised and refreshed.  The waves of love that hit me for this tiny person give me everything I need to parent him.  I might not do everything in the “right” way, I should probably be playing him Mozart or Bach rather than the soundtrack from Bride and Prejudice or a bit of Vengaboys, but I love him, and I will always, always put him first and do my best by him.

And it strikes me that this is true for all of us mums – our love for our little ones drives us so completely that whatever we are doing, however we are doing it, we know it’s for them.  So instead of sharing our successes, and the ways in which our babies are easy, why don’t we share our struggles, and the stories of how we pushed through and made it out the other side?  Why don’t we say how we coped rather than how we didn’t need to find a way to cope?  And most importantly, instead of saying what wonderful thing our baby did this week (O look, he grabbed that toy and didn’t drop it instantly…), why not ask our fellow mums how we can pray for them this week, how we can give them a helping hand, and remind them that they’re nailing motherhood!

I’ll leave you with a quote from Exodus, which I think sums up how we mums look after each other:

Moses’ arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset.