Just Breathe

So, it’s been quite a while since I last wrote something but I’ve finally found a quiet moment. I’ve had a crazily busy 12 months. We sold our house, eventually, we bought a new one, I watched my sister get married, we attempted a camping holiday with a toddler… O, and we had another baby. Our little family is now a 4 and my baby girl completes us with her gorgeous earnestness, the wonderfully soft side she brings out in her brother, and the sheer joy of getting to know this bold and beautiful little person.

I’m loving a lot about being a mother to 2 wonderful kids, but wow it is also So Very Hard! My baby girl has a lot of physical needs that have to be met pretty promptly (and she’s certainly vocal if they’re not met quickly enough). And my son has a lot of emotional needs that can’t be ignored. 2 year olds need a lot of parenting. The little angels rarely sleep at the same time during the day, although I’m working on that, and they each want a lot of mummy time, including one on one mummy time. I spend my days as a life support machine (how much milk does one baby need!?), a climbing frame, a cook, a cleaner, a carer. I find games my toddler can play with me when I only have one hand available, and have to make every day activities like washing up or pumping milk into things he can get involved in. And my baby can’t get much of a routine because her days are largely dictated by her brother and his routine. Battles must be picked carefully and screen time won’t always be avoided!

But alongside that, I enjoy wonderful cuddles; I watch a little boy learn how to be gentle with his sister; I listen to him try out new sentences and express how he is seeing his ever changing world; I watch his sister become more alert by the day and see her save her most beaming smiles for her brother.

And the biggest thing I’m learning is just to breathe. I actually went to a class on this before I gave birth. I’m not even kidding. We did a hypnobirthing class, which seemed to be mainly about how to use your breath to help you through labour. I was skeptical but it made such a difference during the 14 hours it took to get my 9 lb 12 oz baby out… And I’m still having to remember those conscious breathing exercises.

When 5pm comes around and the toddler needs help to stay positive in that last hour before dinner as he gets too tired, while his sister decides it’s time to fuss for an hour, I try to remember to breathe (and to remember that it is just 1 hour!). When it’s 8.30pm, I’ve already burnt the last of the day’s energy, and my baby won’t settle, I breathe and remind myself to keep going, it’ll be my bedtime soon enough. When it’s 5am and she won’t go back to sleep, and I know that in 2 hours a little bundle of energy will come dashing out of his room, I breathe and feel the calm I’m collecting flow into my girl and help her back to sleep.

Conscious breathing brings me a little peace and reminds me to take my stress out of the problem. Sometimes just that reintroduces enough calm into the house to get us past that day’s tantrum and chaos. These are moments of breathing out. Breathing out the stress and the challenge, to leave space for calm. But there are also moments when I have to breathe in. At church on Sunday, I had my daughter on my knee and my son came up and rested his head in her lap and joined us in a cuddle. That was a moment to breathe in and absorb this perfect moment of just the 3 of us. Those perfect smiles that my daughter gives when she sees her brother are chances to breathe in the joy of these 2 kids. And many more special moments like these.

I am so, so lucky to have them in my life. They test me and push me to my absolute limits. And they bring me more joy than I ever thought possible. So while they’re small, and while life doesn’t have to be about much else, I’m trying just to breathe. In and out. No goals, no pressure, no distractions. Just us.